Archive for
...
consider the spanish word “esperar”:
esperar
transitive verb
1 : to wait for, to await
2 : to expect
3 : to hope
…whose french equivalent, is the word “espérer”:
espérer
transitive verb
1 : to hope for
2 : to expect, to trust
hoping is waiting.
スペイン語で「待つ」ことを「esperar」といいます。ラテン語の「sperare」から同じく派生したフランス語の「espérer」はもはや「待つ」という意味としてはほとんで使われてなく、主に「何かを望む、何かを希望する」を意味するようになりました。
バスの出口の上に飾られていたこのバイリンガル看板が僕に教えようとしたことは、何かを求めて望むことにはこの英語の「wait」の単語のようにひたすら待つことを欠かすにはいけない―
つまり、「望むことは待つこと」です。
the story
夜明けの犬も歩けば 行き止まり
お月様を照らす 水溜まり
よけながら ぽっかり
開いた懐に わだかまり
何故か胸が張り裂けそうさ
喉が締め付けられるような
この要塞から抜け出ようと
試みる度に振り出しに来る
今にも落ちて来そうな空に
壊れそうな迄に のしかかる重荷
押し潰されそうな気力
CDみたいに 傷付いて飛んだ記憶
嬉しい事も、辛い事も
別れた友、淡い過去を
諸々、想い返すだけで
熱い涙 ぽとぽと
落とす程 心が綺麗なら
きっと 別の道を歩んでるんだろう
目くるめく、変わる街を愛でるべく
項を涼しく、走るんだろう
やっと、手に入れた筈の幸せ
守るために 頑なに足枷
付けて働け、と言い聞かせ
期待してみる 虫の良い知らせ
その日暮らしの 儚さよ
夜の寝床の 暖かさよ
時の流れの 冷ややかさよ
人の身振りの したたかさよ
だって誰もが指先は泥々
でもそろそろ魂が笑う頃
誇り捨てて積もった埃払う程
景色も変わって見えるもの
人と繋がることにも税を課す
世の中で生き残って精を出す
どうか今日の願いが叶いますように
明日には気分が晴れますように
勝ち負けで決まる価値
過ちで溢れる泡の街
新聞を開けば、嘘ばかり
テレビを付けたら、空騒ぎ
そんな風に感じる時は
外に出れば、感じる一際
骨に染みる 空気の美味しさ
空に染まる 故郷の恋しさ
ああ、僕は何処に帰れば良いのか
此処でいつまで耐えれば良いのか
住めば都、されど都は去れと言う
でも誰も彼も去れずに居る
のは何故だろう と問いかける
鳶色の夢を、追いかける
独りで天国に打ち明ける
祈りのロケットを打ち上げる
ボケッと突っ立ってるように見えて、
実はやるせなさを嘆いている
迷子のヘンゼルとグレーテル
都会の片隅で震えてる
離れる程、戻りたくなる
荷物まとめて、帰りたくなる
しこりが溶けて、柔らかくなる
変わらぬ物を、愛したくなる
本音はね、疲れちまってる
好きだけれど、嫌々やってる
本音はね、あきれ返ってる
我慢し過ぎて普通になってる
本音はね、忘れちまってる
思い出すにも出せなくなってる
本音はね、今でも待ってる
汚れててもたまに磨いてる
そう誰もが指先は泥々
でもそろそろ魂が笑う頃
誇り捨てて積もった埃払う程
景色も変わって見えるもの
人と繋がることにも税を課す
世の中で生き残って精を出す
どうか今日の願いが叶いますように
明日には気分が晴れますように
まだ君が住むこの街に
残る想い出を集めに
雨の信号待ち 明日の雲はどんな形
無邪気に笑う子供たち
手と手を繋ぐお友達
の友達も同じ輪っかに
真っ赤に燃える旅立ちの陽
As I walk the dog of dawn it stops its tracks at a dead end
and as I dodge around the puddle reflecting the moon light
I open up my mind as I’m suddenly reminded of all the bad feelings it’s harboring
It feels for some reason like my chest is going to explode;
I always find myself back at square one
everytime I try to escape from this suffocating fortress
It still feels like the sky is going to fall down on me at any moment;
this burden keeps pushing against me to the point it feels like I’m going to break
It feels like my spirits are about to be crushed
as my memories are scratched away and skipped into oblivion like a cd
Warm tears stream down my face as I recount various memories
like those of the happy times, the hard times
the friends who have left, and the faint past
But I find solace in the fact that if your soul is clean enough to drop tears by thinking back,
than I’m probably walking a seperate path
I try to force myself into loving the dazzling and ever changing city
as I cooly breeze past this paragraph;
I’m told to bind myself into shackles and tell myself to go work
in order to protect this happiness I finally earned for myself
while I earnestly wait for good news
about the emptiness of the sunset,
the warmth of the bed at night,
the coldness of the passing of time,
and the swiftness of the human gesture.
Anyone can find themselves with muddy fingers
but it’s about time for our souls to start laughing
because you’ll be able to notice the changed scenery around you better
the more you throw away your pride and brush off the dirt that’s collected around you
Even connecting with another comes with its price
you’re forced to exert energy as you live in this world
in the hopes that your wishes of today would somehow come true
and that you’ll feel better once tomorrow is upon us.
When I feel as if one’s worth in this world is measured by whether they win or lose
in this worthless city overflowing with faults;
When I only see lies everytime I open up a newspaper
and feel that it’s always all talk whenever I turn on the TV
I step outside to feel for a second
the delicious breeze that bleaches into my bones
as my longing to go back to my hometown rides out of me into the air
Ah, what am I to do?
How much longer must I withstand life here?
They say home is where the heart is, but the heart has already long fled this place
yet everyone is still here as I wonder why that is.
I chase after beige dreams
as I send a rocket of prayers into the sky;
it may look like I’m just idly standing around
but I’m actually lamenting my inability to do anything about my status quo,
Like Hansel and Gretel, I shake in fear, lost somewhere in an obscure corner of the city.
The more detached I become the more I find myself wanting to go back;
it makes me want to pack up and just go home.
The stiffness inside my heart melts down and I become soft;
as I find myself longing to love those things that know no change
To tell you the truth, I’m all burned out;
I find myself hating something I really like
To tell you the truth, I’m starting to forget;
I can’t remember anymore no matter how hard I try.
To tell you the truth, I’m still waiting;
though I’m rusty now, I still hone myself up from time to time.
Anyone can find themselves with muddy fingers
but it’s about time for our souls to start laughing
because you’ll be able to notice the changed scenery around you better
the more you throw away your pride and brush off the dirt that’s collected around you
Even connecting with another comes with its price
you’re forced to exert energy as you live in this world
in the hopes that your wishes of today would somehow come true
and that you’ll feel better once tomorrow is upon us.
I gather up my last memories
of this city where you still live;
I wait for the rain’s signal as I wonder what tomorrow’s clouds are going to look like
The children laugh innocently,
their friends play with their hand in hand and form a circle,
as the sun of journey burns brightly in red.
(this is a work in progress)
Whereas the aftermath of the Civil War and the Reconstruction opened up the floodgates of human rights development and accelerated America’s common law tradition into that of a modern liberal constitutional order, the pathways of liberal progress were inevitably obstructed by the American dichotomy of “civic and racial nationalism” . This conflict between whether to place priority in the advancement of civic ideals or promote majority racial superiority can be seen clearly at the aftermath of the Civil War and the Reconstruction through the enfranchisement struggles of the African-Americans and the American woman.
Civic nationalism—or the political faith based on the modern liberal ideals of “fundamental equality in all human beings”, “inalienable right to life”, etc —on the issue of African-American enfranchisement was placed into motion through the passing and ratification of the Thirteenth through Fifteenth Amendments to the Constitution. Although the passage of the aforementioned amendments did indeed lay down the fundamental framework for what would eventually become the legalization of the black vote, the immediate prevalence of civic nationalism was marred by the polarizing effects of the Reconstruction, which conversely fueled mass-support of racial nationalism across both North and the South.
Evidence of racial nationalism’s victory over civic nationalism in postbellum America could clearly be seen in the landmark Supreme Court case of Giles v. Harris , a case which questioned the legality of barring an African-American citizen’s right to vote, contended 33 years after the passage of the Fifteenth Amendment which established that one’s color or heritage could not serve as a demerit to one’s right to vote. With this guarantee in mind, defendant Jackson Giles approached the Supreme Court in the hopes of repealing a provision of the then-Alabama constitution which systematically disenfranchised black voters through levying a series of requirements (financial, educational, etc.) that were unfavorable to the African-Americans of the time, as a condition of voting. Although the Supreme Court reluctantly acknowledged the unconstitutionality of the provision, (or “not assume its validity,” as it was said) it ruled against Giles’ favor, claiming that “equity cannot take to enforce political rights” and upheld that federal government and courts at the time lacked the power to thwart and address unconstitutionality of State legislation concerning the right to vote.
The dichotomy of the civic versus the racial could thus be clearly seen in action here: whereas civic nationalism helped the passing of regulations which provided African-Americans with citizenship and the hypothetical right to vote, the prevalence of racial nationalism uprooted the notion that the average American voter should not be of any color, and prevented the aforementioned civic ideals from spreading into the greater public sphere for another half century.
Another instance of the civic/racial dichotomy in play was seen with the rise of feminism and the American woman’s right to vote. While the position of the American woman as actual citizens was never a subject of contention as it was with the African-Americans, the rise of the feminist movement challenged women to rethink their place in the public sphere. The likes of Susan Anthony and Elizabeth Stanton encouraged women to fight against a society where women were seen only as indirect members of community as “attachments to men” , and claimed it their moral duty to “[hone] skills that lay outside the realm of domesticity” .
Thus, the women of the aptly named “New Departure” movement set out to correct their unfavorable social standing, which denied them representation in the public sphere unless through their husbands, fathers, and masters and began a long process of petitioning for the right to vote. In spite of the fact that it wouldn’t be semantically accurate to say that the “racial” and civic nationalism was once again in play here—as the issue of barring the American woman’s right to vote is not one that deals with race, but with gender—the same underlying issues can be seen here as well. Despite the fact that the principles expressed in both the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence bestows all citizens with natural and inalienable rights which include the right to suffrage; that the text of the Privileges and Immunities Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment entitles all citizens with the right to vote; and the fact that African-Americans, who were once considered to belong to the lowest tier of American citizenship, were explicitly given the right to vote, the presiding “racial” nationalism effectively blinded the public sphere from acting against the iniquity under the premise that doing so was advancing the formation and bolstering of a pure, all-“American” society.
Granting that the issue of women’s suffrage/enfranchisement of the African-American was eventually resolved by the way of FDR’s New Deal and various other legislations following the Nineteenth Amendment, this dichotomy of racial and civic nationalism is still present within the American public sphere today; the definition of citizenship and what it entitles to the American fellow is still under contention, this time on the subjects of immigration and naturalization to name a few.
background of the story
as per instructions on how to upgrade a sony vaio z750d from its default factory installation of windows vista business x64 to the windows 7 professional x64, i first installed windows 7 onto my laptop, and then proceeded to install the drivers using the companion disk that was provided to me.
during the bootstrap driver installation, however, i encountered an error message saying “on post install, line 156: argument 1 must be of type string” — i immediately notice the words “line” and “argument” and deduce that this type of error is usually one that you find in shoddy programming (i.e. when all the arguments in a program/function doesn’t add up) and suspect that one of sony’s programs included within the boostrap install have shoddy programming which is causing this error, and preventing me from being able to install all the drivers i need to get my laptop running like it used to in vista.
the layout of the “companion disk” is pretty much set as an auto-run bootstrap installer disk, meaning that once you pop the disk in to your computer and click “yes” when it asks “would you like to install devices and drivers” the dvd runs a program which installs all your files for you — my error happens in the middle of installing the files, thereby preventing me from installing all the drivers.
frustrated, i try a multiple number of solutions: i try installing win 7 from a clean install (and not the upgrade mode) from a version i purchased on initial launch and try the companion disk with it, which yielded the same issues; i also tried just doing a clean install and grabbing the necessary drivers from sony’s online support center, which is conveniently missing the one driver that i need the most (the graphics card driver) to complete a successful update.
so at the point of giving up, i contact sony esupport who conveniently seem to have a chat support service, to find out why i’m getting this error message…
(for those of you who think this is tldr, basically sony esupport have no idea what they’re doing and try to send their customers away by giving plausible but totally random solutions, without actually knowing what the source of the problem is)
chat id : 052162d1-3655-4ebe-8f87-4442f98596fe
Problem : i get an error mesage “on post install, line 156: argument 1 must be of type string” when i try to install drivers for my win7 upgrade using my companion disk
Richardo_ > Hi Scott. Welcome to Sony Online Support. I’m Richardo. Please allow me a moment to review your concern.
Scott > i’ve actually already had this problem looked at by one of your analysts
Scott > i think his name was Bryan
Scott > he told me to try and run the companion disk install in safe mode
Scott > and i just tried that
Scott > but it still doesn’t work
Scott > i still get the same error message
Richardo_ > Thank you for waiting, Scott. I’m sorry that the Computer is displaying the error message while installing the Drivers from the companion DVD for Windows 7 upgrade. I’ll be happy to assist you with this.
Scott > ok
Richardo_ > I’m sorry the previous troubleshooting didn’t resolve the issue. Let’s see what we can do now.
Scott > so besides running the computer in safe mode and trying to install from there
Scott > what else can i try
Scott > ok
Richardo_ > Could you please confirm the purchase date of the Computer?
Scott > it was september 1st, 2009
Scott > or maybe two days before it
Richardo_ > Thanks for the confirmation.
Richardo_ > I understand that you have used the Windows 7 Upgrade Kit obtained from Sony. Is that correct?
Scott > yes
Scott > i tried both using the upgrade disk you guys gave me
Scott > and through a clean install using a windows 7 professional x64 disk i bought from somewhere else
Scott > in both cases, i got the same error message
Richardo_ > Okay, are there any Hardware or major setting changes in the Computer?
Scott > ??
Scott > are you serious?
Scott > it’s a laptop we’re talking about
Richardo_ > I meant if you have added any additinal RAM in the Notebook.
Scott > there was absolutely zero modifications to the hardware
Scott > nope
Richardo_ > Thanks for the confirmation.
Richardo_ > So, at present which version of Windows 7 is installed in the Computer?
Scott > windows 7 professional x64
Scott > it still gives me the same error message
Scott > everytime during startup
Richardo_ > Have you tried to install the Sony Shared Library in the Computer after clean install of the Windows 7?
Scott > no
Scott > i just ran the companion disk
Scott > like it says in the instructions
Richardo_ > Scott, Sony Shared Library is a critical component which is required for all the Devices and their Drivers to work normally when there is a clean installation of Windows Operating System in the Computer.
Richardo_ > First, please install the Sony Shared Library in the Computer from our support site.
Scott > so
Scott > you want me to do another clean install of windows 7
Scott > and then install sony shared library?
Richardo_ > I didn’t mean another clean install of Windows 7.
Richardo_ > Please install the Sony Shared Library in the Computer from our support site.
Scott > ok
Scott > let me boot out of safe mode real quick
Richardo_ > Then, install all the Drivers and utilities also from our support site.
Scott > uh
Scott > so
Scott > instead of using the companion disk
Scott > you want me to manually download all the drivers and utilities from the support site
Scott > and install them
Richardo_ > Scott, companion Disc doesn’t have Drivers for Windows 7 Professional 64-bit Windows.
Scott > ?
Scott > it has the drivers i need for the sony compartments
Richardo_ > I would like to forward a link to a page from where you can download all the Drivers for Windows 7 Professional 64-bit.
Richardo_ > When you receive the link, please click on it to open the page and let me know if you are able to view it.
Richardo_ > http://www.esupport.sony.com/US/perl/swu-list.pl?mdl=VGNZ750D&SelectOS=47
Scott > ok
Scott > so which drivers do i need to download
Scott > other than the shared library
Richardo_ > Please download all the Drivers at once by using the “Download Taxi”.
Scott > so
Scott > you want me to download all the drivers
Scott > which i clearly see are included in the companion disk
Richardo_ > Yes, that’s correct.
Richardo_ > It should resolve the issue.
Scott > so
Scott > you think
Scott > installing the same drivers from the website
Scott > the same drivers that are included in the companion disk
Scott > just by the virtue of installing it from the website
Scott > will solve the issue??
Richardo_ > Scott, it appears that the Optical Drive is not reading the companion Disc normally.
Richardo_ > Hence, I suggest you to manually download the Drivers and install them.
Scott > the optical drive is working just fine
Scott > ok let’s try it this way
Scott > could you tell me what the error message means
Scott > what does “on post install line 157 argument 1 should be type string” mean
Scott > i know what type “string” is in C
Scott > so what is it refering to
Scott > what program is giving me this error?
Scott > for your information
Richardo_ > Please stay online while I check this information for you.
Scott > i already tried installing the drivers from the website
Scott > but i gave up when i found out that the vga driver is missing
Scott > from your list of drivers
Richardo_ > Thanks for waiting, I appreciate your patience.
Richardo_ > I’m sorry; we do not have information about the error message displayed by the Computer.
Scott > so you’re basically giving me blind suggestions
Scott > when you don’t know what’s even wrong with my computer
Richardo_ > However, installing the Drivers from our support site should resolve the issue.
Scott > to reiterate
Scott > i’ve already tried updating to windows 7
Scott > using the drivers from your support site
Scott > but you guys are missing the driver needed for the video card
Scott > for z750d windows 7 professional x64
Scott > there is no driver listed for the video card
Scott > so i can’t utilize the dual video card function on the laptop, which is pretty much the only reason why i purchased the z
Scott > and i just tried installing sony shared library
Scott > and the installation failed
Scott > and asked me if i wanted to run the installation again with “recommended settings”
Scott > which i did, and now its telling me that the driver is only available for windows vista
Richardo_ > I’m sorry that the installation of the Sony Shared Library failed.
Richardo_ > However, this is a known issue and we have a resolution for it.
Richardo_ > Please disable the User Account Control of the Windows 7 Operating System and then install the Sony Shared Library and all the other Drivers in the Safe Mode.
Scott > so
Scott > you want me to download all the drivers
Scott > boot up in safe mode
Scott > and then install all the drivers
Scott > what about the nvidia graphics card that’s still missing
Scott > how am i going to solve that issue
Richardo_ > First, disable the “User Account Control” of the Windows 7 Operating System.
Scott > yes i know how to disable the UAC
Scott > if you’re suggesting that i install the windows7 drivers without the companion disk
Scott > i need to know where i can get ALL the drivers necessary
Scott > especially since your support site doesn’t have the driver for the graphics card
Richardo_ > I can understand you concern about the Graphic Drivers, Scott.
Richardo_ > I can assure you that Drivers for both the Graphics Cards will be published soon by Sony on the same page.
Scott > they also happen to be inside the companion disk
Scott > but because the companion disk installs everything using an executable file
Scott > which installs the necessary drivers in order
Scott > which is very convenient if it actually worked
Scott > but since it doesn’t work and gives me that error message
Scott > i want to know why i’m getting this error message so i can install the drivers correctly with a disk i know that’s designed to do it
Scott > is that too much to ask for?
Richardo_ > Scott, I’d like to have our next level of support review what we’ve discussed and assist you further.
Scott > yes that would be nice
Richardo_ > Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst
enter “analyst” number two
Melanie_ > Hi Scott. I’m Melanie. Please allow me a moment to review your concern.
Scott > okay
Melanie_ > Thank you for waiting, Scott. I’m sorry that the Drivers for the Windows 7 Operating System are not installing in the Computer. I will be glad to assist you with this.
Scott > okay
Melanie_ > Please allow me a moment while I go through the previous chat transcript.
Scott > sure
Melanie_ > Thanks for waiting, Scott.
Melanie_ > Have you tried installing the Drivers in the compatibility Mode of the Operating System?
Scott > which drivers
Scott > what i’ve tried, is run the companion disk
Melanie_ > I am referring to the Drivers in the companion DVD.
Scott > and tried to install from there, but that didn’t work
Scott > the drivers in the companion dvd are conveniently hidden
Scott > in the documentation folder
Scott > in a subfolder named APPLICATIONS
Scott > and there’s about 70-80 executable files in there
Scott > all of them which have codified nonsensical names
Scott > so which driver should i try
Scott > you tell me
Melanie_ > Thanks for all the information, Scott.
Melanie_ > Please stay online while I check this information for you.
Melanie_ > Thanks for waiting, Scott.
Melanie_ > May I know the date of purchase of the Computer?
Scott > september 1st, 2009
Scott > hm
Scott > so windows tells me
Scott > my error has to do with a file
Scott > called irsetup.exe
Melanie_ > As per the information available online, the Computer is eligible for the Windows 7 Upgrade kit.
Scott > yes
Scott > that is what i have
Scott > in fact, my companion disk arrived today in the mail
Scott > and i tried to upgrae using the windows 7 upgrade kit i was provided with through the mail
Melanie_ > The Upgrade kit contains the Operating System and the Drivers for the Windows 7 Operating System for the Computer.
Scott > after i succesfully installed windows 7 with the upgrade cd
Scott > yes
Scott > the drivers supported
Scott > are contained in a dvd
Scott > called the “companion disk”
Melanie_ > It is required to install the Windows 7 Operating System and the Drivers from the Upgrade kit.
Scott > that companion disk installs all the drivers
Melanie_ > Yes, that’s correct.
Scott > if you really read the log
Scott > from the last session
Scott > you’d know that the problem i’m describing to you
Melanie_ > May I know if you’ve installed the Windows 7 Operating System from the Upgrade kit.
Scott > is coming from the companion disk install
Melanie_ > I am sorry for the typo.
Scott > of the drivers
Scott > yes i have
Scott > after installing wondows 7 from the upgrade kit
Scott > i ran the companion disk
Scott > as per instructions provided
Scott > but it gave me the error “on post install line 156: argument 1 must be of type string:
Scott > if you don’t know what this error is, you’re wasting my time like the other two analysts that have tried to help before you
Scott > and i suggest you connect me to someone who knows what that error means
Melanie_ > As per the information available online, you can upgrade from the Vista Business 64-bit Operating System to the Windows 7 Proffessional 64-bit Operating System.
Scott > yes
Scott > i would not have tried to upgrade to the win7 professional version
Scott > without knowing that
Melanie_ > In this case, I suggest that you download the Drivers from the Sony Support Site and install them in the Computer.
Scott > so if you notice
Scott > on the sony support site for my mode;
Scott > *model
Scott > there is no driver available
Scott > for the graphics driver
Scott > in win 7
Scott > if i download the drivers from the sony support site like the analyst before you suggested
Scott > i would be without the dual graphics driver mode
Scott > which pretty much is why i bought the z
Scott > so instead of giving me general pokearound solutions
Melanie_ > The Drivers for the Windows 7 Proffessional Operating System for the Computer are available from the Sony Support Site.
Scott > could you please give me a solution that’s actually specific to my issue
Scott > yes most of them are
Scott > but the graphics driver
Scott > for the nvidia graphics card
Scott > for windows 7 professional x64
Scott > is missing from that page of drivers
Scott > it is, however, present in the companion disk
Scott > except it won’t install because of this “argument should be string” error
Scott > which happens in the middle of the boostrap drivers installation
Melanie_ > Please stay online while I check this information for you.
Melanie_ > Thanks for waiting, Scott.
Scott > what did you actually check
Scott > that the driver for the video card is indeed missing from that page
Scott > or did you actually go look up why windows is giving me the message
Melanie_ > I was checking for the information regarding the error message that you’re getting while installing the Drivers in the Computer.
Scott > and what did it say
Melanie_ > In this case, I suggest that you contact our next level of support to get the further troubleshooting steps to resolve the issue.
Scott > that’s what the guy before you did
Scott > can you make sure the guy you refer to me actually knows what he’s doing this time?
Scott > it’s a little frustrating that i had to go through three people
Melanie_ > You can contact our Next level of support at 1-239-768-7669.
Scott > and not find any viable answers at all
Scott > are they working at this hour?
Melanie_ > They are available 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.
Scott > or do i have to wait until morning
Scott > okay
Melanie_ > They will be glad to assist you.
Melanie_ > Please let me know if there are any questions, or if you have it from here.
Melanie_ > Please acknowledge my question by keying in a response so that I know we are still connected. Thank you.
Melanie_ > I did not receive a response, are you still with me?
Scott > yes, i’m calling the number you gave me
Melanie_ > Sure, please go ahead and do that.
Melanie_ > They’ll be glad to assist you further.
Melanie_ > It was a pleasure assisting you today.
Melanie_ > Have a great day ahead.
Melanie_ > Good-bye and thank you for contacting Sony Online Support.
Melanie_ > Analyst has closed chat and left the room
so from what i’ve seen from this “support session” i was able to deduce a few things:
1. sony esupport clearly does not know the product that they’re giving “support” for.
2. sony esupport seems to be under the impression that adding extra RAM to a 4GB x64 system will somehow cause program strings to go berserk
3. sony esupport seems to be able to tell that my optical drive is “not working” without having access to my computer or taking into consideration the fact that i just installed/uninstalled windows from it about 3-4 times
4. sony esupport’s “escalator of conflict resolution” seems to go from “idiot” -> “yet anotheridiot” -> “land line support”
5. sony esupport doesn’t seem to understand that a video card specially designed for a 13.1″ screen laptop with hd output will inevitably look like shit if you don’t have the correct drivers for it.
in the end, i called the sony support number Melanie_ gave me, and it led me to another support guy who actually admitted he had no idea what the error message was and told me to call back when one of the “higher level” consultants were awake. thanks a lot sony.
update: after being transferred to “higher levels of tech support” and being put on hold four times, i finally got the engineering department to take a look at the issue and apparently they’ll call me back once they have a working solutioon within the next 3 days or so. so i sit through 72 minutes of “tech support” and the only satisfying message i get is “we’ll relay this to the tards who fucked up the scripting and forgot to check before sending it to mass distribution.” gg sony, gg.
so a recent realization that i will soon run out of reasons to stay in santa cruz almost made me shit bricks:
“change is coming, and you’re running out of reasons to deny it.”
i don’t know if this is because of the little shell i’ve formed in my heart about life and change in general, or if it’s just age catching up with me a little faster than it should, but i’ve realized that i’ve become one of those conservative-minded people who want no more than to maintain the status quo and just keep things where it’s comfortable.
but i look at my life now and keeping the status quo isn’t really my ideal of comfort: i barely know anyone in santa cruz anymore, i’m soon to go from being employed to unemployed, (for the most part anyway) my living conditions are far from what i want them to be, and it probably wouldn’t hurt if i went to the gym a few more times a week.
but yet, even as i know that in order for me to advance to the next step (or even maintain a trace of my current status quo) i need to embrace change i’m still stuck in a mental (and an emotional) stalemate where i’m irrationally afraid or uncomfortable about not being able to continue living the way i am now–even though i’m not at all satisfied with the way i am now.
maybe it’s complacency or maybe it’s some sort of clinical depression/s.a.d. or something i don’t know about, but for some reason i feel like i’m stuck in an abusive relationship where life is beating me merciless every day with everyone around me urging me to leave for greener pastures, but i keep shutting myself out of every opportunity to commit myself to what i know is going to be much better for me in the long haul…
anyway, here’s a few things that i’ve grown to hate about myself which has stemmed from this “inability to change”
1. social aptitude (or lack thereof)
since a long time ago, i’ve always had this mentality that i don’t really need that many friends in life — i just want to have a small group of friends that i can be comfortable with. that i can be myself around without reservations; a group of people i can be proud to say “oh i’ve known so and so for this long…” but lately this has become 期待外れ; up until last year, i thought that i reached my “full meter” on this imaginary quota of friends, and because i was 100% content with my social status/situation i kinda got into this trend of avoding unnecessary social contact. and now that none of those friends are around any more, it’s kind of come to bite me in the ass this year, and i kind of feel like i’m intentionally ひきこもる-ing myself to maintain some sort of exalted, yet fruitless ideal. but yeah, it does seem like i’m really at a stalemate here since i probably won’t be here for too much longer, and i know very well how “good” i am at leaving friends behind…
2. act my fucking age
maybe this is ill-founded, but the last two years of being in santa cruz made me think that maybe i grew up too fast. what seems to be routine college-approved behavior always seems immature and baseless; sometimes the way my peers “think” and “act” seems totally absurd and nonsensical to me. one thing that’s been bothering me in particular is the way “visitors” (or friends of housemates) act when they come over to our house; they make a mess everywhere that they usually don’t clean up after (for like a week), they use other peoples stuff without asking, break things and try to cover it up thinking “getting away with it and pretending that nothing happened” is the best way out… the list is endless, but it makes me wonder if college is actually making these people smarter or is just serving as a giant baby sitting facility for all the people who refused to grow up even after leaving their parents’ nest. if i could, i would go up to them and say “i’m pretty damn sure you don’t act like this when you’re at your own house, so why the fuck are you acting like this here?”
3. bias
i’ve noticed increasingly that i’m becoming a very biased person based on things that i know are reliable. confusing concept, i know. but my inability (?) to change is invading my thought process, and is making me think in a way that it thinks will incur the least amount of change. for example, i know that doing something in a new way will probably raise productivity and make things go faster, but because i’ve been doing something a specific way for god knows how many years, and i know that it works, i don’t really see a need to compromise, even when i know that it’s clearly better for me. this “bias” has also rubbed off in the way i see/treat people as well — i’ve been starting to take what my friends are telling me a lot more seriously, knowing that i’ve known them for long and that they’re trustworthy, even when there was a little voice telling me that there’s something wrong about what they’re saying – and taking it over rational thought and logical judgment. maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it’s not — but i think my brain is growing this little sense of entitlement saying “i’ve worked over twenty long years to get you this far, let me rest and just take the easy way out when i can” but i don’t know, it’s something that eats at me little by little, among other things.
but in either case, whether i decide to keep up with the status quo or finally accept impending change, one thing that’s for sure is that something’s got to give — the least i can do is try to ease myself into a new life by changing the little things that i do have control over — sometimes i actually feel like i’m a big 塊 of all these conditions and diseases listed in the DSM and that all these “conditions” take turns manifesting themselves on the surface (i think the most prevalent one right now is “control freak” and “被害者意識“) but yeah, in either case i need to do a little more than lock myself in this little bubble i’ve created for myself and maybe start doing something about it as opposed to just rambling on in a blog post that most likely nobody will read.
oh and this post is entitled “the study of change” because of this idea i had earlier on today, inspired by an etymologistic definition (words inspire me in a different way than it does most people, as you can see) :
Calculus is the study of how things change. It provides a framework for modeling systems in which there is change, and a way to deduce the predictions of such models.
it took something as complicated as calculus to figure out how things change — now what kind of rocket science do we have to study to understand why things change?
